So it begins at the end, and moves forward from there.

These poems were written over a period of ten years. There is an evolution of sorts. They are in some what of an order from beginning to “end”. Take what you will from them, because I gave everything I had for them.

Ffaelan

you touched me

caressed me

healed me

and left me

i was happy

and sad

all rolled into

one

i wanted your heart

i wanted your love

both i received

both are now gone

you gave me a chance

no one ever had

for all that i asked

i shattered like glass

my heart it starts

to slowly beat again

but now it’s all over

my life can begin

our souls ripped apart

so many times

i’ve cried the tears of

years gone by

searching for you and

finding me

into each other’s lives

we’ve fallen

stricken blind and

sometimes sullen

calm fell over the

ocean blue

searching for me and

finding you

some much time to be

made up

unexplainably close

a friendship found

one will not let the

other drown

into each other’s hand

place heart

a shimmering view of a

lovers part

head and shoulders

hands and hearts

wishing to make these

moments last

thinking not of a jaded past

finding in you some

kind of peace

finding in you some

kind of friend

finding in you some

kind of love

heart and souls

mine and yours

looking at me, looking at you

more one than two

is it in me or is it

in you

fingers touched an

emotion stirred

happily wandering in a

friendship so deep

pictures and memories

i will always keep

head on shoulder

hand on heart

feeling so close

and never apart

once again we’ve found

one another

of friends i’ve had

you’re like no other

Virus

i can feel it

creeping slowly through me

straining for the surface

like a water starved seed

it wants my mind

it wants my soul

leaving me empty

leaving me whole

virus takes me

am i me

where am i

can’t even cry

takes my pride

takes my being

takes all i hold dear

cannot be

i am not free

slowly i lose

i never had a chance

my will is gone

it didn’t take long

loneliness

i’m not afraid

you haunt me every

night and day

i cannot see those

i love

i cannot feel a

simple hug

i really wish you’d

go away

for you see i’m

not afraid

i know the pain you

try to give

but i’ve no time

to take your gift

there are those

i do love

i do not need

to feel your shove

to take me somewhere

i don’t want

and feel the pain

that you flaunt

so why don’t you just

leave me be

i’m not afraid

and this is me

the love i feel

doth run deep

it breathes in me

and makes me see

with that sight

i’ll come around

to play at night

and not make sound

the love i feel

is a heat

it trembles me

down to my feet

it makes me feel

so wonderful

so full of life

and not depressed

i am in love

and not afraid

to say that i

will not play

i am in love

just like a fool

drowning in an

endless pool

look in my eyes

what do you see

is it hate

is it love

i’m not sure

look in my eyes

what do you see

is it pain

is it joy

i do not know

look in my eyes

what do you see

is it weakness

is it strength

no

It’s me

Notes on Death:

meet me

surprise

don’t forget

it’s over

long gone

never again

now you’re mine

sweetness

hatred

laughter

tears

all gone

pale light

pale horse

pale rider

lost

not for long

i’ll find you

you’re mine

inbetween

lost

searching

wandering

inbetween

looking

finding

sharing

inbetween

giving

loving

laughing

inbetween

taking

hating

crying

inbetween

leaving

losing

dying

inbetween

pass through

look

there’s the light

up ahead

go if you like

maybe

maybe not

can you

or can’t you

i think not

pass through

no thought

no will

if you go

there’s no way

out

silence

silence

seductive

sensual

touch it

feel it

crave it

would you lie for it

would you die for it

listen

hear that

i did

didn’t you

can’t you

won’t you

dreaming

where am i

do you care

no, yes, maybe

i don’t know

you don’t want to know

who are you

my judge, my jury,

my executioner

tell me

am i alive

am i dead

you tell me

i don’t know

am i confuse

are you

yes

maybe you don’t

know

how so

sorry can’t say

am i dead

or just in my

head

left behind

wait

don’t go

i’m here

and

alone

don’t

leave

i’m just

a

child

don’t

leave

where

do

i go

where

do

i sleep

where

do

i belong

where

do

i die

losing it

wait

don’t

let me go

grab hold

i’m here

i’ll hold on

won’t

let you

go

don’t

wait

i’m losing it

stop

here i go

i know

what you are

help

i am not

losing it

i am

losing

me

clouds pass me by

like a lifetime slowly passing away

with you for the first time

i felt safe

with you i felt alive

with you i felt

is it al gone

did you take what you

needed and leave

was there anything there at all

or was i just imagining

was i just dreaming

was i hoping

things are unclear

i know where i stand

but not where i fall

it’s almost insane

the way i felt

but it was real

my feelings that is

i’m unsure of many things

but mostly

i’m unsure of myself

are these tears or

is it raining

i live in a world of next times

i don’t mean procrastination’s

i mean hope

i mean hoping next time things

will be different

next time she’ll say yes

next time it’ll work

next time

next time

next time

i sound like a fucking broken record

i’m not depressing you am i

do you know what it’s like to

feel this way

i don’t think so

you see i think everyone feels

things differently

you can’t sit there and tell me i’m

not alone

cause there is no way on earth you

feel what i feel

i am alone

that’s how it is

that’s how i live

all alone

feeling my good

feeling my bad

so fuck you and your psychological

bullshit

i don’t need it

i just needed to vent

thank you kindly

yesterday

you went away

a slow road south

in clouds of gray

late at night

without a doubt

i cry your name

till i cannot shout

it’s been so long

since i felt real

i can’t be strong

i cannot heal

i wish this pain

would go away

but that would mean

you’d have to fade

sometimes i write

sometimes i’m wrong

words flowing

out of my head

down my arm

out of my arm

onto the paper

words

of meaning

words

of hate

words

of passion

all of it matters

none of it’s real

sometimes i will

sometimes i won’t

ask me i’ll tell you

see if i don’t

do i bleed

only often

when i cry

it helps me soften

emotions flow

as it rains in spring

indifference or indulgence

so much in common

so much the same

knowledge or ignorance

sometimes i’m not sure

but mostly i know

i’ll just end up hurt

peace in my mind

chaos in my heart

pulling my strings

to tear me apart

shattered resistance

what use is it now

the world is over

and i’m just begun

tears awash like an

ocean on shore

burning me deep

right down to my core

pour salt on my wounds

and then lick them clean

for all that i know

i know what i’ve seen

i pushed in my eyes

and pulled out my heart

these things that feel

will kill me in part

it’s sadness and joy

more one than the same

to those that i fear

my heart is a game

lashing my back

a cold winter chill

face to the wind

my heart is a hill

onward i push

blind and uncaring

but is this all there is

or is someone not sharing

i feel a need in the

pit of my soul

something i want

more precious than gold

a gift i can’t have

a heart i’ve felt beat

this thing is now dying

and is pulling me deep

but perhaps inn time

the blood will slow

my tears will dry

my emotions will grow

into another i place

small part

but to them i wonder

do they know it’s my heart

what i mean

inside my heart, there is a place

where love roams free, and emotions pace

it is a place, that i hold dear

deep inside where things are clear

this is where my love comes from

burning so bright, it blinded the sun

the light in my darkness

a crystal clear light

love that’s unfolding

drifts into my sight

where did all this

excitement come from

a young italian girl

who said i was fun

for all of my life

you gave me a gift

to say you just might

my spirits did lift

smiles and words

glances assured

tears and shoulders

fears and boulders

where did all this emotion come from

it was always there but now it’s begun

of all that i said

of this you can be sure

to say that i love you

i meant every word

i don’t know how i feel

sometimes not sure i do

all this hate surrounds me

and traps me in my room

to this end i’m hurting

others and myself

wouldn’t it be simpler

to reverse a wrongful birth

so i sit here and question

existence and my lot

others try to reach me and

i burn them cold for naught

this is pathetic

and my tears are seen as false

no matter what the consequences

i’ll live without a pulse

Shattered images and broken dreams

pieced together patiently with glue

and little bits of string

emotions unravel and frayed

at the ends

is the dreaming real

or does it depend

past open doors

future dark whores

present ambition

time was commissioned

through a door

down a path

pushed or pulled

a choice of indecision

my past so dark

my future so bleak

running along

like wolf to the sheep

anger swelling

and hatred telling

pushing onward

my tears will not speak

a light

oh gorgeous light

shed my skin

and embrace her heart

a tender touch

melted my resistance

a hand to hold

was i ever so bold

illusion shattered

pure winter snow

everything matter

that

i knew

emotions pour into my heart

filling in blackness with roses and lark

passions in her eyes

love in her words

healing in her touch

safeness in her kiss

the light in my darkness

the sun to my moon

the love in my heart

a flower in bloom

is this all real or am

i am dream

this time i cried

this time i’m certain

i pushed away the most love

you could find in a person

the tears flow freely

but i’m not certain

if it’s me

or some other person

i’m lost i’m found

i’m lost again

another step forward

another step lost

what did i want

i’ll never really know

what to i want

for everything to go

away

you loved me

you left me

you extinguished my soul

all the heart left

is nothing but hole

i did the same

to poor little you

but i can’t give up

not even for me

i’m burning i’m dying

all of it’s there

before me

never fading

ever fading

i love you

forever

and i’ll take that with me

where ever i go

please don’t forget me

you mean too much to my world

without your hand in mine

i’m left stone and cold

it’s you i want

you say you are past it

i’ll never forget the past

good-bye

eyes of a storm

smile of joy

you are my angel

never to die

laughter like sunshine

brighten my darkest day

a nose like a button

why am i smitten

you stole my heart

though i would gladly

hand it over

my angel

my lover

my life

in my hand i hold

your poems

your pictures

your letters and all

but that which i don’t have

is most important of all

i want your heart

all over again

but you say i ruined it

and it was all a mistake

my god how i love you

i wish you were here

to wash away my tears

and say your mine

once

more

through the looking glass

so small and

insignificant

for all to see and

for all to

read

the heart and soul

of one without

it comes in flashes

as memory

as dream

as reflection

to flow and feel

to yearn and

heal

is it all a dream

or am i only

imagining

peace is chaotic

and perhaps

unattainable

lost in it’s own

insignificance

these are but words

to live by

open my eyes and

see i’m no longer

in the same place

i once was

open my eyes and

see i’m no longer

in the place i

wanted to be

open my eyes and

for the first time

realize that life

is more than floating

is more than being

is more than me

passions smolders

within for the best

with held and in

check

a necessity for

rest

too fast

too young

too lost

too frightened

everything matters

even a smile

i could get lost

in your eyes

lost in your laugh

lost in you

why, i’m unsure

i’m not usually

this way

you make me

wonder

is it all real

or imagined

tangible or

mist

my head aches

my heart laughs

my eyes sparkle

do i need you

or want you

i got your hooks all in me now

i can’t tell you how

i was so careful, as not to trip

and fall

it’s what i wanted, or so that’s

what i thought

i’m frightened and confused

did i abuse a trust

did i make you feel weird

or was it all make

believe

passions winked and my heart blinked

and this time i thought i

knew it all

pain flows through out me

utterly within my control

the ability is there to stop it

but i can only stare

passion burns within me

a fire raging unchecked

like my furious mind and heart

unquenched and torn apart

peace lies within my grasp

but i only turn away

can i have that which i

feel undeserved

imprisoned within a self

constructed cell

shackled arm and leg

the key i held in hand

am i allowed

to set myself free

or is it a decision

i’ve left up to me

i am a mirror of

that which i wish to be

lost within myself

my heart put out to sea

crying for love that i

haven’t even met

holding myself back

too soon

not yet

in my confines

shadows creep

without the light

to make me sleep

lighthearted wonder

a cold hearted blunder

distractions penetrating

abstractions suffocating

would that it was all that easy

enter into nothing

exit out of something

time is all encompassing

friendships are rare

mine the more rare still

is it needed

is it asked for

i never wanted to be alive

awakened from the dream

nightmares alive that make me scream

pulled into a void uncaring

pushed out of the darkness

unlearned

grappling with demons

no one believes that i see

torn in three by feelings

no one believes that i have

multifaceted, multitasked

multidimensional

hate flowing in veins

for reasons better left unsaid

no previous knowledge

of the way things should be

angered to fire

for reasons unbeknowsted

anger unacknowledged

bitterness repressed

love

left in the dust

last words of hate

first words of love

why are the last ones

always the most important

i don’t know if i hate

myself or everyone else

things fall into place without

knowledge or forethought

sometimes it’s the only way...

tearing pulling ripping

myself apart

will i take you all down

with me

feign me fuck me

haunt me hate me

peel me play me

rape me

hold me have me

see me feel me

touch me tell me

kill me

stab me starve me

rake me wrong me

be me

feel my touch

and feel my heart

touch my hand

and feel my soul

take my life

and swallow me whole

see my face

and ignore my tears

this is the end

this is my fear

open eyes

the clearest choice

bitten and smitten

lost all the

same

hear me

feel me

touch me

are you real

why so long

in finding you

only to lose

you

now

what is this in me

that breathes

and heaves

explodes

and rages

inside

unheard

unfelt

pain for pleasure

no other

feel it or not

smoke it away

push it away

bury it inside

it hates it seethes

it loathes

me

keeping it in

fighting it

forcing it

raping it

raping myself

scarred scared

hurt

felt

inside

deep within

that place

i fear

of loss

of love

of hope

of me

i hate it

i am it

cry

can’t

scream

won’t

pain

mine

never more

that me

no more

no less

tears would

wash

tears would help

weakness

helpless

prideful

vengeful

who am

i

to say

who i

am

don’t stop

just push

pull

me

hate it

won’t it

want it

cry damnit

feel it

again

let it

flow

let it

bleed forth

cankerous

infected

why

behind cold tinted eyes

i stare and try

to see inside

like windows frosted

and covered with dirt

like a sadness and loneliness

caused only by hurt

did i see inside

or was i blind

which is right

where are you

within that sweet heart

i wonder

is there a place

for me

to wander

to and fro

deep within

masks and covers

webs and blunders

blindly ahead

i walk

without much

to grasp

holding on

sometimes i dream

i can’t say when

or why

images and flashes

memories to come

feelings felt

inside and out

let me

watch me

touch me

feel me

wistful images

and unknown dreams

dance musically

behind closed eyes

a heart beat

an eye twitter

a look

a stare

should i

will i

too soon

too strong

scared

scarred

hurt

lost

young

maybe

old

often

crying

always

so here i sit on stone in sun

pondering my heart strings, again undone

pulled and pulled, a pleasant warm tug

all this happening without even a shrug

lost in thought about someone in my heart

to blind to see, not ready for the part

one-sided, two-sided, three-sided me

every which way, outside is of me

waiting, wanting, patiently outside

inside i rage to burn like a star

bright lite ahead, am i blinded by hope

lost sight of the now

question myself, know the answers

in my darkest hour

in my deepest need

i stare at a mirror

and see nothing in me

heart frozen

cold and dead

trapped in a pen

sealed up dead

hate, bitterness

angst

what am i

why am i

is this all there is

if i could melt my heart

and clear up skies

of all my clouds

my eyes would open

and a sight to see

a stranger

inside

wanting to be me

there’s a whisper in my ear

though i’m too preoccupied to hear

not as though i’m blind or afraid

just at a point

passions lost, misplaced or stolen

fading memories a burning feeling

changes made but not for the best

fear and loathing myself or not

coping silently in the bottom of a bottle

sleeping in a haze

walking in a daze

what day is it anyway

too much time spent on introspection

not often needed or wanted

dreams dashed when reality clashed

felt this before, didn’t like it then

escape from what

pondering meanings only after it goes

do questions become harder to answer

there isn’t enough time in eternity

to deal with all this

just once i wonder if

the path is there

or merely imagined

no escape from thought

too vibrant to ignore

the pen doesn’t have the

allure i once held

remains, of hope of piety

twitching, aching, spinning

how many chances do i get

to get all the strings in line

to many chances not enough change

not nearly enough incentive

push it down

do it later

no time now

no time ever